


Coping 9:  Ownership

by Grey (grey853)



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Angst, Drama, M/M, Series: Coping, h/c
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 04:22:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/793928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grey853/pseuds/Grey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blair helps Jim take ownership of some important repressed memories and to control his anger.<br/>This story is a sequel to Coping 8.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Coping 9:  Ownership

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: This part uses explicit language with the strong suggestion of domestic violence and child abuse in Jim's past.

## Coping 9: Ownership

by Grey

Author's webpage: <http://grey.ravenshadow.net/>

* * *

Title: Coping 9: Ownership 1/1  
Author: Grey  
E-mail: Grey853@aol.com  
Rating: NC-17--explicit violence, very disturbing content Pairing: J/B  
Status: New/Complete  
Date: April 18, 1998  
Archive: Yes, to both  
Archive email: Grey853@aol.com 

Series/Sequel- 9th in the Coping series. Other website: <http://grey.ravenshadow.net/>

* * *

Disclaimer: These characters belong to UPN. Do you blame me for setting them free? 

Summary: Blair helps Jim take ownership of some important repressed memories which may help him understand and control his anger. Simon comes along to chaperone. 

WARNING: This story deals with the serious issue of domestic abuse as well as child abuse by using a very explicit, sexually violent flashback. If that pushes a major button, STOP here and don't read this story. 

Spoilers: Major spoilers for "Remembrance", "Love Kills", and "Warriors". 

Notes: 1--The passage marked with a //// is a memory. 2--If you haven't read the other parts of the series, this isn't going to make a lot of sense to you. The angst pool gets super deep here, my guppies. It's swim or drown time. 

Coping 9: Ownership  
by Grey 

Jim knocked nervously on the loft door, hoping that he didn't look as bad as he felt. "Jim, would you just settle down. Don't faint on me here." 

"I'm okay, Simon. It's just been a long day." 

Before the captain could mention what a shitload of nonsense that was, the door came open to reveal one bouncing and jazzed up guide. "Hey, guys. Man, like am I ever glad to see you two. Come on in." The words sizzled the air with their speed. 

Once inside Blair motioned to the couch. "Hey, sit. I've got some coffee made or there's soda's and stuff." Nobody mentioned beer. 

"Water's fine, Chief." 

Blair stopped moving for a moment and looked at the man he loved and smiled. "God, Jim, it's good to see you, man. Missed you." 

Jim glanced away, his guilt locking down his desire to grab up his lover in an embrace that would fire up both men for a decade. Noting his uneasiness, Simon chimed in, "Hey, Blair, I'll take a coffee. Want me to get it for myself?" 

Understanding Jim's quiet reaction, the young man waved a dismissing hand at the captain. "No, I'll get it. Just you two sit down. I've got salads made and chicken casserole in the oven." 

"Sounds good." Simon nudged Jim and moved the silent detective to the couch. 

"So, what cases have you two been handling while I've been away?" 

Jim watched his partner maneuver around the kitchen like a talented dancer, every move smooth and graceful. Even with the cast on his left wrist, he managed to handle preparations without a problem. He listened quietly while Simon and Blair chatted about daily routines, small talk to fill up the big spaces. 

"Hey, Jim, you okay, man?" The soft voice touched his ear like a kiss. 

"I'm fine, Chief. I just didn't know how hard this would be." 

"Yeah, I know. But, it's going to be okay. I've think I've got this whole thing figured out." 

Smiling and shaking his head at the confidence behind the words, Jim let his head fall back against the couch. "How's that, Chief? You got a straight jacket in the closet?" 

"It's not like that, man. I'm serious. I've got a real strong feeling that I know part of what's wrong and I really think we can fix it, or at least learn how to control it." 

Turning his head, he drank in the blue sparkle in the eyes studying him. "So, what is it that you think is going on?" 

"Well, actually, I have to ask you a few questions first. Are you going to be okay with that?" Blair sat down next to his lover while Simon stood quietly on guard in the kitchen, not too close, but not far away. 

"Ask, professor. I'll tell you whatever I can." 

"Simon said that you had a problem this morning with a file on your father. Tell me what happened." 

Already uneasy, Jim shifted and sat up. "I don't know exactly. He handed me the file and I just couldn't see, and I don't mean read it, I mean I couldn't see anything." 

"And how long did that last, a few seconds, minutes, what?" 

"Just until I looked away or when Simon took the folder. It felt really weird, like someone just put a hand over my eyes." 

Nodding, Blair sat back. "Yeah, I thought it might be something like that. It's psychosomatic, Jim. You couldn't see because you couldn't handle what was in the file. It's like when you repressed all those other memories that were too traumatic to handle." 

"So, you're saying I went blind because I didn't want to see what was right in front of me, that I didn't want to see the possibility that my dad beat my mom?" Jim's muscles along his arms tightened, his hands balled into fists. 

"Jim, if your father did that and you witnessed it, it would explain a lot." 

Shaking his head in protest, Jim worked hard to form words. "But why wouldn't I remember something like that?" 

"Why wouldn't you remember finding Bud's body, or your time in Peru, or....," a pause filled the gap between them, "hurting me?" 

Jim turned his head and focused on the man beside him, the dark blue eyes rounded, heavy with sad awareness. "Blair, I'm sorry. I can't even tell you how much." The words choked like rusty chains pulled from his dry throat one link at a time. 

"I know you are, but we have to understand why this is happening and I think it goes back to when you were a kid. I think it's a real possibility that you somehow witnessed all this fighting shit between your mom and dad. Then after she left, you repressed it all." 

"But why would that be coming up now? Why now after our time together do I suddenly start acting like that caveman you mentioned when we first met. I just don't get it." 

"I know, but think about it. When did this all start? What had just happened?" 

After a few long moments, Jim shook his head. "I'm drawing a blank here, Chief. Help me out." 

"You were forced to remember about Bud, to find out about your dad knowing about your sentinel abilities. Your dad, Jim. I think seeing him again triggered a lot of old stuff. You may not remember him hurting your mom, but it would still be in your head." 

"But why would that have anything to do with how I treat you? I mean, even when Incacha died and I went apeshit motherfucking crazy, I never hit you." 

"But you wanted to." 

Lowering his eyes, confessing the truth, he whispered. "Yeah, I did. I wanted to hit the whole goddamn world." 

"But you didn't. The difference is timing. At that point you'd so repressed any twisted memories of how your father showed his anger toward the people he was supposed to have loved, that you were still able to control it." 

"And now I can't?" 

"No, you can, but you've got to recognize that anger and where it comes from before you can either channel that energy somewhere else, or change your reaction to it. Jim, you can't control something you don't own. It's your emotional heritage. You've got to take it in and understand it before you can train it to stop biting you in the ass every time you get pissed." 

"How do I do that, Chief? I don't even remember it." 

Blair edged closer, placing an easing hand on his lover's leg. "I can help you remember, but we're not ready for that just yet. I've still got to know a couple of things." 

"Like what?" 

"How are your sentinel abilities doing these days?" 

Jim glanced at his partner, suspicious. "Why?" 

"Do you even have them at this point?" 

"No. How did you know that?" 

Blair stared at the wary eyes dead on. "Because I know you and I really think I know what's going on. Somehow you've linked up these memories of your dad with your senses." 

Jim stood up and paced back and forth, running an anxious hand across his mouth, trying to understand. Frustrated, he wrapped his angry arms around his chest. "Come on, Chief. Explain it to me. I'm still not getting this." 

"Because you don't want to. Subconsciously you don't want to figure this out because then it'll all be out in the open. Secrets, Jim. They're a family tradition with you and your dad." 

"Say what you mean, Sandburg. Stop dancing around the point and tell me what you think." 

Taking a deep breath to steady his racing heart beat, Blair settled himself back for the first part of his plan. Simon stood rock still in the kitchen, ready if needed. "Jim, first we have to set a ground rule." 

"What?" 

"If you get too angry, you can leave. You can walk out any time it gets to be too much and then come back after you've finished kicking down a wall or something. I mean, it's okay to be overwhelmed. This is some pretty heavy shit. It's just not okay to strike out here." 

"I'm not going to hit you again, Blair." 

"I just want you to know the ground rules, man. If it gets to be too much all at once, it's all right to say that's enough for now. I'm in for the long haul and we'll do this together at your pace." 

Air traveled wet and heavy into his overworked lungs. He wanted to run before they even started. He resisted the urge because he needed to know, needed to find some answers to explain his own soul-swallowing darkness. 

"Okay, I understand. What do I have to do?" 

"Just sit back down and listen." 

"I can do that." 

Blair smiled at the simple response. As soon as Jim sat down beside him, the young man turned facing his best friend. "Now, I want you to try to listen until I finish, but if you can't, that's okay." 

"I'm all right, Blair. Go ahead before my head explodes, though that would pretty much put an end to this misery shit." 

"Ah, there's the man I love, all sunshine and light right from the start." 

"Sorry." 

"It's okay. Now try to lie back and relax. Close your eyes. Try to hear what I'm saying without putting up all the roadblocks to the possibilities. See, if anything I say triggers some kind of memory or impression. Ready?" 

Letting himself drift down, he focused in on his guide's soothing voice. He'd let the voice guide him anywhere. "I'm ready. Go ahead." 

"We know that you had your sentinel abilities as a kid. Now, we also know that when kids grow up, they learn their behaviors from the grown ups around them. Your mom left when you were really young, but why? Those reports you couldn't let yourself see say your dad was beating on her. Is it possible that's why she left? Try just breathing and letting yourself drift a little. You're safe now, but go back and float over the time as a child when your mom was around. What do you see?" 

////A floating sensation carried Jim into a misty vision, everything around him not quite clear. The boy sat up in his bed, the low moans and whimpers from his parent's bedroom tugging at his enhanced senses. The slapping sound followed by a hitching breath and a hiss brought him out of the bed and down the hall. 

He put his small hand on the knob and turned to push in. His mother lay face down on the bed, his father mounting her roughly from behind, a belt wrapped around her neck. A coppery wash drained down the back of his throat as the smell of blood attacked and gagged him. Her cries escaped through swollen blue lips. She struggled wildly to free herself as she gasped for air between the small and useless begging words. 

Panicked, the boy ran forward to stop the monster pretending to be his father. Before he could do anything, rage without warning brought down a fist that closed out the danger of his past.//// 

"Jesus!" Jerking up, drowning in his terror, Jim gasped for air. Leaning forward, he put his head down to his knees. Strong hands held his back, stroking it in firm circular rhythm. From a distance he heard Blair's voice calling him back, urging him to return from the horrible place where mothers screamed and a young boy could die by his father's hand. 

"Jim, it's okay. It's over. You're safe, man." 

Keeping his eyes squeezed shut, he kneeled at the foot of a memory fall, images rushing over him, drowning all breath. They surrounded him with a swirl and foam of savage pictures, each one a barbed hook captured in sentinel skin. 

"Oh, god, Blair. Make it stop." 

The rubbing up and down his back continued, bringing his focus away from the pain of remembrance to the present escape, the hope of salvation in a guide's anchoring hand. Slowly, the emotional bleeding stopped, the flood directed and damned for the moment. Every muscle ached in throbbing cadence to his protesting bones. Despite all that, he somehow breathed easier, the air more space than weight. 

Awareness settled and his vision cleared. He lay on his side on the floor, Blair spooned in behind him, the busy hands massaging his muscles, the crooning words vibrating directly into his back. 

Noting the movement and the change, the young man asked, "You with me, man?" 

His throat hurt as the words dragged themselves out. "Yeah. What happened?" 

"You zoned, man, big time. Are you okay now?" 

"I'll be all right. Give me a minute." Sitting up stiffly, Jim looked around. "What time is it anyway and where's Simon?" 

"It's late. I sent Simon to my room to lie down. He was as nervous as I was." 

"As long as he didn't leave you alone." 

"I'm not alone, Jim. I'm with you. That's where I want to be. That's where I need to be." 

Jim brought his knees up, resting his crossed arms there while he lowered his weary head. Fatigue washed over his body, an icy ocean wave to drown the pain. "Blair, I'm dangerous. I can't control this thing inside me." 

"Yes, you can." 

"No, I can't. I don't want to ever hurt you." 

"Jim, you didn't think you could control your senses either, but you did. This can be the same way. Anger can have a dial, too." 

"A dial for anger, Chief?" Desperation let him peek at hope hidden in the tempting words. 

"Yeah, why not? Let me help you. These memories, these feelings, they're all part of you, just like being a sentinel." 

"Jesus, Blair, you don't know how awful that is. My father's a sick fuck. I can't even talk about it." 

"Not now, but you will. Jim, whatever your father did branded you with memories and reactions you now know about. They can't sneak up on you when you know what to look for. I'm not saying there'll never be another ambush, but didn't you always tell me that the best defense is a good offense? We attack first. No more sucker punches from the past, man." 

Weary, almost too tired to raise his tongue, Jim let Blair rub and pet his bowed head. Fear's sudden gibberish taunted him. "Blair, I'm afraid of being close to you. I know I need you more than my own life, but I also know that the intensity of our connection scares the shit out of me." 

Blair let his head rest on his sentinel's sagging shoulder, the dark curls a curtain of soft mystery. "Jim, I know you're afraid. You think that if you close down all those ugly places in yourself that you'll be safe, but you won't. Neither of us can survive without the other. I don't know how I know that as absolute truth, but I do. I need you as much as you need me. Symbiosis, man. Good or bad, that's the way it is." 

"Symbiosis? You calling me a parasite, Chief?" 

"No, man. Both of us benefit, neither suffers." 

"Wrong. You've suffered because of me. I couldn't stand it if I did that again." 

"So, you won't. Stop with the guilt trip, Jim. You're a survivor. We'll work through all this together." 

"You make it sound so easy." Jim kept his eyes shut, taking in the warmth of Blair's breath so near his face. 

"We both know that's a lie. It's going to be tough, but we can do it. You've got to believe that, man. Work with me here." 

"I'm trying, but it's so damn hard knowing what I know now." A slow shaking worked from his center, reaching out to his limbs. He trembled to explode and fill all of the vastness of space. 

Wrapping both arms around Jim's chest, the younger man held him tight, letting him find safety in a gripping touch. "Jim, you have to own those memories so they don't own you. You can't be a slave to your dad's shit. I swear we can do this, man." 

"Faith, Chief? You know that's my weak spot." 

Nuzzling his forehead into his sentinel's shoulder, Blair whispered, "I thought I was your weak spot." 

The smaller man shifted, pushing down Jim's legs to make a lap. The sentinel brought the guide into his arms to wrap and hold close to his heart. Cradled there, he purred, "Jim, man, this feels so good." 

"It sure does." Stroking the back of Blair's head, he let himself drift to the safety of embrace, to the comfort and connection of sentinel and guide merged to find purpose and peace. Memory's powerless magicians no longer had a chance. He and his shaman together banished secrets, worshipping instead revelation and truth. For the first time in ages, Jim Ellison replaced fear of his past with the graceful spirit resting in his arms, his guide's true and rightful place. 

The End 


End file.
